As the Deer

As the deer pants for the water;
So my soul longeth after You.
You alone are my heart's desire,
And I long to worship You.

This song has been among my favourites since childhood. The words expressed the longing in my heart. The longing to worship Him. The longing to be with Him. That He would delight in me. It's my deepest heart longing to above and beyond all else to be in the House of my Lord.

But every time I look at myself I see the mistakes I make and I wonder when I'll ever learn. When will I learn to be patient, to have the law of kindness in my tongue. The Lord has drawn very near to me and my ears ring with the words "I will guide thee with mine eye." The verses in James also spoke to me "The fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much." And that Elijah was a man with a like nature as us and he prayed and the Lord withheld rain for 3 1/2 years and he prayed and the Lord sent rain. God can do the impossible, if we pray according to His will, He guides us with His eye.

"For by You I can run against a troop; by my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. For who is God, except the LORD?"

He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. (2 Samuel 22) He delighted in me? Why me? God wants to write a beautiful story of my life. I want others to see His power, His amazing grace and His eternal love. I pleaded with the Lord about how much I want to honour Him.

Lord, I cried I don't want anything against Your will. I don't want anything unless You have placed it in my heart. He tenderly assured me that those who honour Him, He will honour, and that He knew how much I longed to love Him. He assured me that the battle was not mine to fight but His and that I should stand still and see His salvation. (2 Chron. 20:15, 17) He can do much. He flooded my heart with peace. I know He's guiding and teaching me. Yes, I have much, much more to learn, and sometimes I wonder what I have learned. But He's oh so patient.

Though people tell me I need to get on with my life, don't just work, doesn't matter that I've got a perfectly good job; find something else to do too. Decide on university and figure on a career. As I've pondered what I should study, I have no interest. If it's God's will for me now, He must give me the vision for it. If I'm to go into overseas missions, He must give me the specific vision for it. For where there is no vision the people perish. If I don't have a vision for something in my heart, how can I devote myself to it and carry it through to the end. I'm no half hearted person. If I start something I want to carry it through all the way. No giving up half way.

If I marry I have to have the specific and special love for that one person above all others. Otherwise I couldn't decide cause I love them all. The Lord has to give me a special vision, a special love. I must have it in my heart, He has been my guide and I know that He will direct each step I take through life. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer. The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.